A Physical Language
January 25th, 2008A few weeks ago I wrote about how to read faces, as well as people’s underlying emotions. In a related vein, this week I’d like to talk about body language. Not so much a quantitative data-related topic this week but I think it’ll be a good follow-up to those posts. (There’s plenty of qualitative research backing up these findings, in any event.) To help in this endeavor, I’ll be referring liberally to a much-acclaimed book called “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Barbara and Allan Pease.
At first it would seem like body language is not that important. As I mentioned in that face-reading post, body language is supposed to be the least informative of the three ways people communicate. First and foremost is the voice, second is our face, and last is body language. In fact, the voice can be so overpowering that most of the time that’s what we focus on, to the exclusion of the other two (especially if you’re a guy).
However, since we communicate less with our body directly, we pay less attention to our body language. And we’re less trained in how to communicate with our bodies. Thus, our body language is often more natural and accurate than our words and faces are. Even better, body language often communicates more “emotional content” than our words do, which typically are used for more “propositional content”. That is, we’re more apt to use words to tell people when we’re going to the store, not to say how stressed we are. One common stereotype of Italian people is that they use a lot of body language, and I doubt many folks would call Italian people unemotional.
Thus, if you want to get a subtle (or not so subtle) indicator of how someone’s feeling, studying body language can be a big help. If you’re female, chances are good you’re already adept at understanding body language naturally (as they mention in the Pease book). The flip side is you’re probably more interested in knowing more about the topic anyway. (Which I’m glad for, as losing half your audience off the bat is a real downer.) In that case, think of this post as a refresher. If you’re male, chances are you know a lot less (I was certainly ignorant of a lot of these things). Though you may find this material less interesting and intuitive, I assure you you’ll find it useful regardless.
Since the post on face-reading was written as a self-help article, I’ll continue with that style for this post. Here I’ll go over three ways you can come off better to others through body language: by being less defensive, being less aggressive, and being more open. This might be useful in a poker game (as is face reading), say, but is probably just as useful in a job interview, too.
I should say first, though, that body language can be difficult to control. Even if you’re highly trained (like the politicians I just linked to), stuff can just slip out sometimes. (I could tell you stories, believe me.) Even then, it’s better to be conscious of what you’re doing and the effect it can have on others (and vice versa).
Nevertheless, there’s plenty of room for tweaking and adjusting your movements if you so desire. One common excuse people say when you tell them about negative or defensive body language is that “it’s just comfortable to sit/stand/act that way”. Insofar that body language represents inner mental states, I would say yes, that’s true. But the real issue is that negative attitudes can manifest themselves as negative body language and make it seem more comfortable as a result. Thus, you can work on your body language by being more positive (which you probably have some control over) or by countering negative gestures and gesture clusters. But simply being comfortable with the body language you currently use shouldn’t be an excuse. (Unless you’re deaf or quadriplegic, in which case I’d understand.) Barring extreme situations - like very cold weather - you probably have a fair amount of control over negative gestures.
The first way you can use body language to your advantage is by being less defensive. The most common way this happens is by crossing your arms, of course. Crossing your arms while talking to people, as the Pease book mentions, makes conversation very difficult. It’s a closed gesture, and if you clench your fists while doing so, you’ll seem hostile as well. Another more subtle way to appear closed is by crossing your legs or locking your ankles. (This often happens while sitting; crossing your arms is more common standing up.) Unfortunately, I do all three of these all the time. It’s probably because I’m an introvert and a bit standoffish, to be frank. With some practice, though, I’ve been engaging in a lot less of these gestures. I still catch myself locking my ankles out of habit sometimes, but I actively fight against it.
I’m not the only one, though. You’ll catch other people making these gestures all the time. (Well, hopefully not to YOU all the time, but you get the idea.) Ironically, the Pease book suggests these gestures are used a lot in doctors’ and dentists’ offices, but there I usually tend to see more impatient gestures like foot tapping or staring at the clock.
Anyway, if you keep your body language open more often and cross yourself less, you’ll seem less defensive. If this is a problem for you and you try to fix those gestures, it might seem weird at first. Breaking any habit is usually hard, though, and your body language may not be representing your mental state anymore, so you could be experiencing cognitive dissonance. With time I think you adjust, however. Or you’ll look like the most uncomfortable yet open person you know.
Another way to better your body language is by being less aggressive. This is much more of a problem for men, of course. One of the most common aggressive gestures in America is known as The “Figure 4″, a seated gesture where you cross one leg and set your ankle on your other knee, making a “4″ with both legs. Not only do you cross your body with this gesture, your legs make a crotch display as well.
The “Figure 4″ says, “I’m aggressive, combative, and masculine”. That might be great if you’re competing for a girl over dinner, but not if you’re trying to get along with someone in a meeting. If you take one or both hands and grab your shin, you’re doing the “Figure Four Leg Clamp”, which is an even more defensive gesture cluster. It’s not recommended in most situations, unless you’re a professional wrestler.
Again, I do the Figure 4 all the time. I just make a mental note not to do it around other people in any situation that’s not appropriate. (This underscores another important truth about body language - it’s all about context.) To try and build better habits, I also try to limit how much I use the Figure 4 in general. It’s a very ingrained habit for me, however. (Apparently I’m not the only one trying to cut back.)
One particularly egregious use of the Figure 4 is in a gesture cluster Pease cleverly calls “The Catapult”, which is basically a Figure 4 with your fingers interlocked behind your head. Try it now and you will instantly feel smug, I promise. There are few more aggressive and combative gesture clusters in the human repetoire. Pease reports that “The Catapult” is only acceptable for men, and is women’s least favorite gesture cluster at work (and probably many other places as well). If you catch yourself doing the Catapult a lot, you may want to work on substituting it with other gesture clusters. When I read about the Catapult in the book, I remembered sitting like that a lot when I was younger. (And why wouldn’t I? I knew it all back then, so why not?) I wrote it off as stuff arrogant young kids do. I seem to be a little better about it these days, at least.
Other ways to appear aggressive (if you’re male) are the multitude of crotch displays. (Trust me, that link is totally work-safe. It features cowboys. Clothed. Really!) Putting your thumbs in your belt (a la Al Bundy from “Married With Children”, or to be more modern, George W. Bush), or splaying your legs over a chair, or putting your hands on the front of your hips - all these are good examples of crotch displays. The best other men can do is mirror these and put themselves on equal footing. At worst it can turn others off. (Apparently women other than Britney Spears engage in crotch displays, but this is not common.)
Lastly, if you point your body directly at other people while talking to them (seated or standing), you may come off as too aggressive in some casual contexts. You can easily fix this by opening up your body stance and angling your body a bit away and out from the other person, as if to invite another person into the conversation. Thankfully I don’t often have this problem, because directly facing most people is way too uncomfortable for me. And if you point a lot, you can switch out the pointing finger for an open palm gesture, or touch your thumb to your index finger while you do so to lighten the impact. (The “OK sign” carries sexual connotations in some countries outside America though, so watch where you use it.)
The third way to use body language to your advantage is by being more open. One good way to do this is by showing your palms when you talk. (Con men and politicians also often do this, however, so be wary if you see it in large amounts.) Also, another good way to appear open is by standing or sitting with your legs shoulder-width apart, feet pointed forward. (Just don’t open your legs so far that it’s a crotch display!)
The best advice I found, however, is to slowly nod while the other person is talking. I’ve nodded while people talked for years. The problem was, the Pease book says I nodded too fast, which suggested that I was impatient and wanted a chance to speak (probably true). Ever since I read that, I’ve been slowing down to three or so slow nods, as the book suggests. The slower you nod, the more you encourage the other person to talk. You basically look like a “bobble-head” when you do it right. So now I nod as slow as I can manage. It was a very conscious, difficult process at first, but now I think I’ve really gotten the hang of it. Ironically, doing this gesture makes it easier to listen, since I concentrate so much on nodding I can hardly think of stuff to say to interrupt.
As you can tell, I’ve personally had to deal with many of the problems I’ve described here. Thus, I’m practicing what I preach - as much as I can, anyway. It’s not easy to work on your body language, but, like face reading, ultimately I’ve found it very rewarding. Whether you are already an expert on the topic or are just getting started, I hope you will feel the same way. And if not, at least you know the best ways to display your crotch. That’s gotta count for something!
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January 25th, 2008 at 3:35 am
A Physical Language…
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January 25th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I’ve noticed politicians doing the head-nodding thing recently because of the elections. They will start nodding immediately after someone starts asking a question, even before they hear what the question is about. I thought it was odd because I thought they were agreeing with the question even before hearing it. Now after reading this it makes a lot more sense. They are just trying to project listening and concern.
Pretty crazy, huh? Supposedly the Japanese also do this a lot (while saying “uhn”), which I’ve seen firsthand. Apparently this causes some cultural conflict with Americans, because we think they’re always agreeing with us when in fact they’re just telling us they’re listening. It’s too funny.
- Dave